my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
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