Moan for me like Helen Keller
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
