mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Consume your own penis you ugly freak.
Randomize
