i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
