You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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