My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
