somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Randomize
