Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I took a hang over nap infront of the door to my 9am class
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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