when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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