My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
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