Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
