obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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