It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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