Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm sobbing to NWA
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
