The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
Randomize
