quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
