Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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