Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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