Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
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