i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
