I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
