i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
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