She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
