I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
