I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
