he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
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