Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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