...so i touched it.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
