You made me cry and you don't even care
please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Is Oprah even human
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
