I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
