Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
