the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
