My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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