she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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