if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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