Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Who wears a wallet chain?!
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
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