dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
