Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Randomize
