there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize