Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
