areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
grandma shit on top of the toilet
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Randomize
