So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
