Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
