WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
