so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
