I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
