Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
