He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize