Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I smell stomach acid.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
