I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
