I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
