You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
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