Princesses don't give blow jobs
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
