new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Randomize
