I'd suck a dick for hot wings now. A metaphoric dick that is
I've been sucking dick for sushi for weeks now...hasn't worked yet :P
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
